Category: Journal

This morning I was trying to get into my sweater through the arm before I realized that it was not the right way in.

You know, I’ve never liked the expression Kill your darlings. The thought of cutting out something you really like because it doesn’t fit in is entirely backwards to me. Now I’ve encountered this situation again while working on an old treatment for my next novel. And I’ve decided to cut everything else out and Save my darlings!

Last week a friend helped me to mend my old pentagram pendant. It has been broken since I was young and deep into studies of the occult mysteries. It broke late one night while I did an enthusiastic, and probably intoxicated, dance routine at a local metal/synth/goth club. I recently found it again and thought I’d revive it and wear it under my shirt. But somehow it snuck out at work and a co-worker happened to see it.

Co-worker: “I see you have a pentagon necklace. Do you know it’s a Jewish figure that in yoga-practice symbolizes union and inner balance…”

Me (saying): “Oh, is that so? Too bad I’m in a hurry and have to go now.”

Me (thinking): “GET THE FACTS RIGHT YOU CULTURELESS UNEDUCATED NEW AGE MUMBO-JUMBO HIPSTER HIPPIE!”

No offense to real hippies. Middleclass hipster hippies on the other hand… Next time she’ll probably say: “I listened to the singer Maradonna, who sang Like a Virgo some years ago, and she taught me, so now I am kabbalah. Which is a native North American religion that symbolizes our bond with dolphins.”

Relaxing with a glass of wine, the fantastic album Prey by Tiamat on my turntable and my cozy home-after-work-clothes. Suddenly I feel a horrible lump on my left boob. Fuuuck! How could I have missed this aggressive growth!? The horror! Death! Angst! Then I realize it’s just a popcorn that snuck in under my shirt.

“The pictures lie about my age. But doesn’t pictures do that all the time?” I wrote in a comment recently, striking quote-worthy gold.

My neurons are in a favorable alignment at the moment, according to my own neurological zodiac.

• I’m gonna focus on being a writer, a musician and a slut.
• I’ll strive to be comfortable with my appearance, trade stress and worry for self assurance and acceptance, and to be way more uninhibited.
• I won’t neglect myself – neither to please someone nor to not upset them.

Good news: Life is a huge life-shaped hole in which we all fit, at the same time, without problem.

Bad news: People make it a problem. Including me.

At work we are about to make an introduction course for new employees. This is my suggested synopsis.

I want to start with a picture of Death and a text that says Memento Mori. When that is done, we go back to life’s trauma and construct cheap but guiding walls of Styrofoam around the people to create an illusion of security in a world where security does not exist.

Disintegration is a continuous theme in the introduction and we disintegrate the organization into smaller parts until even the employees themselves are dissolved and resolved. Then death returns as a jack-in-the-box from the darkness of the false emptiness and draws relieved laughter from the nervous spectators.

But their laughter get stuck in their throats when everybody realizes that what they think is the face of Death is in fact their own skinless skull. The plot thickens when doubts and self-hate are built up by the employees, and when the breaking point is approaching, a spontaneous vacuum breakdown is triggered.

It dissolves the entire universe in total eradication as all borrowed energy is released and repaid to nothing. In what we interpret as darkness, but really is absence of existence, a final text appears: “Now is your only chance.”

I’ve not been writing for a couple of weeks. I don’t know why; it just happened. I wish I could say I’d been busy, but I’ve mostly been lazy.

There is a time to write, there is a time to sleep. And a time to dress up as a Nuclear Accident for Halloween. Hence the white/glow-in-the-dark-wig on my profile picture [picture omitted].

As the evening progressed – fueled by something stronger than heavy water – I became a secret government project code-named Miss Plutonium with a bra full of eerily glowing rods I kept losing everywhere.

I won the horror-quiz with twice as many points as the one in second place. Then I started to hand out black rubber gloves to a new, cute friend and said: “You’ll need these, they’ll protect from radioactivity if you want to touch me!”

I’m still single, by the way.

My thoughts this morning: “What if I were a snake. With neither arms nor legs. Slithering all the way to work every morning. How would it feel? How would I dress in the winter?”

I think I’ve been to my last hat-sizing today. It feels like I know more about hats than the hatter. Also, what nature gave this weekend was far better. Art, magic, love – it’s all connected. Not relationship love, neither amor nor eros, but that greater love, the love of being, what’s the word, maybe agape, without connotations of god but instead focusing on the feeling of creative sparkling inside all of us hideously beautiful beings and the flame which flows between intimate friends on a journey together.

Oh, and by the way: I am genderfluid. I’ve written it in my profile bios since day one, but never really posted about what it means to me. It’s difficult to explain even to myself. Well, here goes: Sometimes I identify as mostly female and sometimes mostly male, but I’m never strictly either or. Maybe I could use the term genderqueer or non-binary, since there’s an overlapping, but the fluidity is also an important component in who I am.

I hope this is no big deal to you, dear readers, as you have been very understanding and supportive about anything not conforming, both to me and each other, ever since I came here. I hope you continue to treat me the same. No one has ever questioned my ambiguous personality or the more or less manipulated pictures of myself and some of you have also been discussing gender in a very open-minded way. That makes me dare write about this. Everything I’ve written about myself is true, well, except for the fiction parts of course. And even in the fiction there are truths about who I am. To write fiction is to write truths.

On this site you get the more female side of me, who is a creative and mostly positive girl, who may be the only one in Sweden who wears a black dress when celebrating light and joy on Midsummers Eve, who marches in Pride, who is kinky with her partners, who paints her nails, flicks the finger in the face of the world and who sometimes likes to roll herself into a blanket, disconnect from the world and read the entire weekend. Despite her black clothes she likes the lightness of summer. She is the one with visions, who writes privately, she is the author.

She co-exists with another one. A more male entity that is more logic and organized, more caring for others, used to taking care of business, getting things done. He has no sense in clothing and just cheers when he can remove her damned bra. He is more pragmatic, but also lately more neurotic and depressed, as he shoulders all responsibilities, and he can’t stop doing things once he’s at it. He’s not as relaxed anymore and is often in a strange, brooding mood. He moves in the shadows and emerges once in a while. Cranky when he has to face people and pretend. For some reason he prefers the heavy isolation of winter. He is the one writing at work, writing to communicate, he is the copywriter.

This division might sound like a “we” but there’s really just “I”. And I’ve always been this way. As a pre-school child I was looking and behaving androgynous. When my mom was shopping clothes for me, and the shop staff came to help, they always had to ask me if I was a boy or a girl. I always hesitated. I don’t know what I would have said if my mother had not been there. Not that I wanted to change gender, not to either. I just felt like identifying as a girl was as valid to me as identifying as a boy. No matter how my body looked. I’ve always felt in between. I wanted clothes from both sides of the store.

Like I wrote in the previous post about my pansexuality, I didn’t understand myself for a long time. Why would I do this, I wondered. What’s the point of dressing in what society decided is “wrong” clothes? Well, it’s like going the whole life with gloves two sizes to big and then suddenly getting a pair that fits perfectly. It’s not sexual or fetish, it just feels right. Beautiful clothes makes me feel at least a little bit beautiful myself. But I can’t fully explain it even today. There’s still some stigma surrounding this, mostly because of peoples prejudices, confusing identity and fetish, and I don’t want to be misunderstood; I’m neither butch nor sissy. I am not one gender dressing like another, I am dressing as who I am.

And of course it’s not all about the clothes. That’s just a tangible, external manifestation of what happens inside. It’s how I think, feel and interpret the world around me that is fluid. The me inside switches between modes that identifies with different gender. Sometimes I have to change clothes in the middle of the day cause I feel differently than I did that morning. I’m told there’s changes in body language too, but I do not see that myself. Somehow I write and interact differently too.

At the moment I am more content – and confident – with me being female. The male me is the burned out, fatigued, side. He stepped forward and had to shoulder a lot of responsibility over the last couple of years and all my energy went into keeping him alive. Which meant there was no room for my female side, she was pushed back and got desperate, struggling for freedom, wanted to live. Now I’m trying to let him rest and to let her loose on the world. Wish me luck!

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It took forever to write this post. I’ve been coming back to it in my notebook on and off for a while. At first I felt obliged to explain myself to you so you wouldn’t feel deceived about who I am. Then I wrote a new version to sort it out to myself. Cause I am still struggling to understand and that makes it hard to explain. It’s the eternal question: Who am I? Oh well, I am a writer, no matter the gender, and hope you’ll continue to read my ramblings, thoughts, reports from life and of course my fiction.

I have been living in a naked reality – stripped of the glamour, the interpretations and extrapolations of my mind. Exhaustion and fatigue prevented me from connecting the dots and coloring the fields of the world. No wonder life was lacking meaning. I see that now. I remember now, what I was, who I’ll be. The frozen becoming fluid. I’m beginning to let myself protrude out of the shell. Entering the world again, slowly, growing tendrils, tilting reality, expanding chaos, edging ideaspace till I’m all wet with possibility.

My taste when it comes to literature is kind of diverse. I love contrast, I want diversity. I like deep psychological probings as well as pulp horror with tentacles. Here I’d like to introduce three of my absolute favorite books too you. They are of the more serious kind and all happen to be written by some of the Swedish literary giants 50-60 years ago. All three have in common that they were written very fast in a creative frenzy claimed to come from outside the authors. All still valid, today more than ever.

Aniara | Harry Martinson, 1956
Might be my all time favorite and a life changing read for me. A science fiction poem/novel about the spaceship Aniara that has an accident at launch and hurls lost towards the big nothingness. Big questions and small, about humanity and humans. You should all really really read this!

Kallocain | Karin Boye, 1940
A dystopic sci-fi novel about a totalitarian state, written ten years before Orwell’s 1984. Boye is mostly known as a poet (and writer of early queer identity prose) but wrote this out of nowhere after seeing the brooding darkness growing with the Nazis in Germany.

Island of the Doomed | Stig Dagerman, 1946
Dagerman only wrote four novels and all of them would be on my list of recommended books. In each of them he explores the dark and painful aspects of being human. A Burnt Child is the most straight forward of them and might be a good starting point, but my favorite is probably the anxiety nightmare of Island of the Doomed.

I’m not right handed, nor left handed. And I am not ambidextrous. I use my right hand for some things and the left for others. With my right I write with a pen, with my left I write on my phone. Right for brushing teeth, left for putting lipstick on. Right for flicking the finger and shaking an angry fist, left for caressing someone I care about – or myself.

They are not interchangeable, wrong hand feels uncomfortable, but they can cooperate sometimes. Both for my guitar, which I love to play. Both for driving, which I hate to do. Neither can paint or draw but sometimes does it anyway. I got silver rings I made myself on the right; it’s strict in its shiny adornment. The left is naked and free; untamed and impulsive. Two sides of myself, living in symbiosis.

Why choose one above the other?

I can get so lost in my thoughts that when I wash my face in the shower I sometimes end up water-boarding myself.

Relationships – Either they end or you die.

I’ll become a nun in a writing convent/cloister. Is there such a thing? If not, who’d join me in starting one? Bring your writing tools, toothbrush and dildos – but no relationships whatsoever.

“Get up early, sister Ellinor, you’ve got coffee duty! Grind the beans vigorously so that the writers may be divinely inspired!”

Then we’ll dress in black garments and write a few hours, or at least until breakfast. Or lunch. And there’ll be long walks at the lake or nearby forest to think and when tired in the afternoon take a nap or hang out with the other sisters. Maybe some wine in the evening. Not to friendly though, no intrigues or hanky-panky!

Then back to writing for us night-owls. Catch that nocturnal flow of inspiration and then off to bed. What a dream.

Oh, what do nun’s pyjamas look like? Are they black and comfy? I imagine they must be – cause sleeping alone can get very cold.

(I’m keeping emotions at bay here.)

She very cranky snappy several days though says all good. Teeth dog snap snap. Her unemployed days filled with overflowing laundry. From work I gym rage. Shower have to wear last resort panties. Also groceries carry trembling tired. Feel bad fucked all time. Want be sushi roll in blanket. Travel away away. Wish alone. Walk home like black cloud. Old lady approach on bike downhill puts her legs out in air and smiles. I tears my eyes.