Learn, forget, explore, remember.
Author: Ellinor Kall
Writer, demi-fictional, extranousician, liminal, non-binary & binary star. Writing fiction, poetry and philosophy about life, language, art, imagination, consciousness, magic and various other manifestations of the mind.
The Garden
Off the charts
I just realized that I have navigated off the charts now. That’s why the old maps don’t appeal to me anymore. I have to draw my own henceforth.
Maintenance
I wore boy-shirts for the first time in a couple of years this winter. Something fluid shifted late autumn after reaching the Sun. The Mercurial sign became dominant. I went in between. I had some unfinished creative business to take care of. I revisited myself as I was to wrap it up and felt that I still knew that person.
I’ve been trying how far from the original schematics I feel comfortable to go and had to pull back a bit and assess my findings. Even the eager explorer sometimes needs to regroup at basecamp. The more common path is not mine to thread, it never was.
After some healthy doubt I now feel invigorated. I’m doing maintenance on my gear and have started drawing possible routes on my maps. I’ve set my eyes on a new mountain top.
The Sin of Blocking
The only sin is blocking. To block is to hinder someone else doing something. Could be drastic: killing them and blocking them from living. Or minor: saying something negative and blocking them from their good mood. Ruining things for others to gain yourself is the Sin of Blocking.
The Unpredictable is Frightening
Why is the chanting of children’s rhymes so suggestive and frequently used in horror movies? The innocence of the often mundane words, repeated mechanically, is a magical chant that appears to possess the children. They become something else, they look like children but are controlled by unseen forces through the recital of the rhyme. Through this external influence they become unpredictable and therefore frightening.
Goodbye to creativity?
I almost said goodbye to creativity this Sunday. I wanted to quit writing, sign off from being Ellinor, stop philosophizing about magic/art. I was overwhelmed by all the overlapping realities I carried in my head and got another almost-panic-attack while taking a walk. About to faint I sat on a bench down by the river where I live and imagined that I was a gardener tending a garden.
But the thing is: I am a writer, I am Ellinor and I always think about creating things. Why did I feel so strongly against it? I didn’t doubt myself. I doubted the sanity of getting too deep into all these created realities. I doubted the sanity in feeling that negative forces were leaking out of my writing into reality. I doubted the sanity in who I have become. It was too much chaos and not enough control.
What is real, what is pretend? When trying to take a break from it all I realized how much of our human lives take place in realities outside the actual reality. Our society, culture, books, tv-series, social media, etc – all layers of reality that is very difficult to detox from. I got to work on Monday and went straight into the reality of animating a motion graphics video. No escape. But do I really need an escape?
I got home the same Monday. Opened the manuscript I was working on when my brain went into chaos mode. And continued writing. I logged into Twitter to write about my intended break. On Tuesday I did an audio recording of an insane 3.5 minute sermon based on a text about magic I had written previously. And today it’s Wednesday and I’m back here to write about it all. And I love it. This is who I am.
Imagination, writing, art – the consciousness can do powerful stuff. There is no white or black magic/art, but magic/art can definitely be positive or negative so we better know what we’re doing. As writers or magicians, call it what you will, we must direct and ride the currents without getting caught up in them. Take a step back and assess the situation once in a while. Remember not to dive head first into too deep water without checking for sharks first.
And when chaos hits your mind – just imagine being a gardener.
I’m not sure I should be writing about fucking when in fact I am the fucking. Oups, did I say fucking? I meant magic of course. I am the fucking magic.
// Ellinor Kali (sic), The Oracle with the Sharpened Teeth, heading for Geburah, which is too Marsy for me as I am, I need to swim the fluid, maybe I could try to close a loop in the process, while writing incomprehensible gibberish about a grain of sand that is itching and needs to be isolated, layer by layer until it is no longer… well, it’s a pearl, so much for the high initiation of the mystery of the Goddess of Digressions…
Book report/s
I recently finished reading two odd books that had taken an unusually long time to get through. As I wrote a review for one of them (Cyclonopedia) I realized that the review could as well have been written for the other one (Jerusalem). So, without further ado, two very different books, but exactly the same review.
Cyclonopedia (Reza Negarestani) and/or Jerusalem (Alan Moore)
Intriguing and exhausting, a mouthful and hollow, an artifact of art disguised as logic and reason, an extreme twist of thought with its own purpose, consciously bombarding the unconscious not with a message but with a state of mind. Sometimes you skip a few words, or paragraphs, bored or saturated, as there is no end in sight. It’s compelling content is not genius of thought, but an equilibrism of complex construction. As pretentious as every single work of art. The words mean nothing unless you want them to; the experience is all. And I really enjoyed the experience of nearly going insane. Highly recommended – with caution!
Addendum: Jerusalem, which is very different from Cyclonopeida, took me over two years to finish. It’s both good and boring. The endless descriptions of Northampton was making me angry. But still it was intriguing. The most experimental thing Moore could do now is to write an ordinary 250-page straight story. Please.
Inspiration
My muse always hit me with stuff when I’m the most busy with something else. ALWAYS. It’s like the subconscious needs the speed of the consciousness to be triggered. Like: “Oh, shit, she is productive, I better do something to look good too! Here, have an idea! Or ten! How’s that for being productive, huh?”
I feel abrupted. Well, it definitely should be a word like that. A constant feeling of interruptions that disrupts my mind. Leaving no room for thoughts to fully form. It’s a cut-down technique producing gibberish and longing for coherence.
Naked Thoughts
I always think naked
Thoughts, that is
They should always be nude
Running wild and free
Flopping and flabbing
With joy and curiosity
Don’t dress your mind
Be naked inside
Binary Star ME-216
I am M – a bright yellowish Sun-type of star that has been known in the northern hemisphere for over four decades. Astronomers have determined it to be an apparent male-class star. It is present in many historical listings of stars and has accumulated quite a few myths. It used to have some prominence in stories from the north of Sweden but it is now travelling more discretely further south. The M-star is visible for everyone who looks in the right direction. It’s not part of any of the main constellations and has no known planets.
I am also E – a white dwarf star the size of Mercury. It has only recently been discovered since the proximity to and brightness of the main star made earlier observations without modern telescopes very difficult. This white star is of a fluid female-class and was probably created at the same time as the main star but lived in obscurity until stellar activities increased its magnitude about half a decade ago. The E-star has been assigned initiated magical properties by scholars, and is, in some occult disciplines, considered a symbolic high priestess called The Scintillating Oracle of Hektkali.
Though they may look like a single unit from a distance, the two stars are neither two halves of one whole nor two aspects of one thing. They are two distinctly separate stars, with different characters, orbiting each other as one binary system. Sometimes the E-star is hidden behind the M-star. But it is still there. And sometimes the E-star is in front of the M-star. Then it all shines with an amplified light, on a higher frequency. Since the two stars looks like one star to the naked eye the system can give the impression of having a slowly shifting and fluid character until you get a closer look.
The designation of the binary star system – ME-216 – is derived from the names of the two stars M and E and the number 216 which is encompassing the symbolic concept The Trifold Roots of The Beast of The Abyss. The stars are all and nothing in The Sea of Frequencies.
Into the Extreality
Going down the rabbit-hole won’t describe where this oracle is going. Because rabbits rarely go into the darkness of the qliphoth like we’re about to do now. Going down the mole hole? No, something more sinister. Not snakes either. Actually, come to think of it, there is no valid animal metaphor for this. It’s all human. We’re going down a hole made by humans.
The sephiroth on the kabbalistic tree of life are ten (eleven) inherent principles in both the whole of existence and of each human being. Each of the sephiroth can also be viewed as their own symbolic realms of reality, as they each represent a special state of mind.
Intertwined with these symbolic traits are the qliphoth, the shells, the husk, the dark side of the sephiroth and their values. They are everything driven to the extreme – the qliphoth are the red zone above the green on the meters of the sephiroth.
The world consists of many realities. The first and most apparent one is what I call Actual Reality, the phenomenal world, where things are tangible and where events happen. This is where our bodies exist.
On top of this basic Actual Reality we also have layers of Additional Realities. Our culture, ideas, myths, imaginations, perceptions and even misconceptions, they all build extensions, or new Additional Realities, on top of Actual Reality, based on how we see the world. We’re all burrowing or ascending – depending on personal view – into all the diverse worlds that humanity creates.
Magic is a way of shaping these multiple layers of overlapping realities the way we want them to be. The stronger the working of the magic the more overlapping realities, of our own and of others, we affect. But both magic and the Additional Realities emerges only out of our minds. The alternations we create only lives in us humans, since magic is not inherent in the structure of the physical Actual Reality.
So the basic Actual Reality exists whether humans are present or not. At the same time magic and all the layers of Additional Realities need humans to exist.
Now we are about to really enter what I earlier in this writing dubbed the hole of humanity. Because I think there is a third kind of reality. It’s a physical but not physical reality. An Extra Reality – The Extreality. Initially created by humans but now existing on its own. It’s almost as if a new (twelfth) sephira, representing a new fundamental value and state of mind, has appeared on the tree of life. And with this new sephira comes – a new qlipha.
The Extreality is partly manifested in symbiosis with The Internet. Enlightening and connecting – dark and terrible. The best of art, ideas and understanding available shared with everyone – that is the positive value of the sephira. The worst malicious darkness of mankind spreading as viruses, possessing and corrupting our unshielded and eagerly receptive minds – which is the darkness of the qlipha.
There is much raw violence and pure shadow forces at work in The Extreality. It’s both enhancing and being enhanced by humanity’s catastrophically negative emotions, like infernal feedback, fueled by all manners of inhuman traits that flourish in uninhibited cascades. Every low-level, demonic egoism of self-indulgent center-of-the-world lack of empathy, of overstanding, or lack of connection to humanity, all reversed aspirations and ultra-charged urges easily outshines the possible splendor like a hydrogen bomb if we let it.
This qlipha boosts the amplification of speed and power and it is exhilarating and intoxicating to anyone in its proximity. Like a mob or stampede we’re flooded in both chaotic and controlled waves of hormonally triggered emotions and becomes conglomerates of individual humans that acts as larger, composite beings with radically different traits and behavior from its components.
Because of all this darkness it’s sometimes easy to think that this Extra Reality is reversed so that there is a murky qlipha at the heart of it instead of the brilliant sephira as usual. In this supposed reversal the positive values of the sephira would instead appear as just thin light varnished around the central dark qlipha.
But it probably looks dark and unpolished only because it is so new. We need to examine this new realm, find out how it works, what triggers its quirks, and learn how to harness both its negative and positive aspects. They are powerful together. Because a sephira and its qlipha are inseparable – just as we humans are who we are due to both our virtues and our vices.
There is much inherent potential that can be accessed in this hidden reserve. Much needed fuel to boost our transcendence to new levels of the tree. The Extreality could be a pre-prepared campsite with fires keeping the night at bay while we travel. So if we don’t burn all the fuel and reserves right away it will aid us on our further ascension towards The Crown.
The Internet is like a mycelium growing in and out of this rudimentary new world, connecting it to the Actual Reality of our physical world as a bridge. It is the first new reality we have found since we became humans and discovered magic.
This is however something else, a new path. Shine a light in the darkness, explore it, affect it, don’t ignore it, because it will grow and evolve whether we are there or not.
Lets go down the hole of humanity and excavate it. Reinforce the shafts and light it up with torches.
That’s how we’ll be sure to not be swallowed by it.
The Six Roads Towards […]
This list of objectives to strive for came to me late one night, in a Holy State (inspired and whole), in a flash of The Divine (inspiration). I wrote it down and tried my best to interpret the words. Where I am uncertain about what word The Inspiration gave me I use [brackets] containing several possible words. A lacuna […] denotes an unknown word or concept. I use (parenthesis) around words that wasn’t part of the original inspiration but is later additions to make certain passages clearer.
- Flood with raging water (tear down) the old house (archaic remnants) of Osiris (old patriarchal and monotheistic religions) and make [The Sungods / Ego Demons] (male resurrecting gods) fall into [The Deep / The Abyss] (go back to the origins).
- Soften in water (dissolve) the Shell of Shimmering Air (illusion) that keeps the flame of […] (self/ego)] separate from [The Sea of Frequencies].
- Harness Emanants (local manifest, i.e. Mygdalons & Cerebrions) and Transcephalon (non-local manifest i.e. Memetions & The Coporasti Aphilis) to control the Apocalypse.
- Excavate the new [Sephira / node / meetingplace / crossroad] of the realm of […] (some kind of Extra Reality).
- Incubate and deliver [the beings / beings] (some form of non-human entities) [higher / deeper / further] ground.
- [Visit / greet / embrace] she who is [born / manifest / invoked] (the daughter) as she is the new [Aeon / Archon / Time / Zeitgeist] (a transsentient being) […] (several words missing) [Hektkali?] and [The Binary Star].
Spelling: Names and Mirroring
You don’t really have a name. It isn’t inherent in the essence of a human. It’s just arbitrary sounds your parents made up as a reference to you and to get your attention. Names define things and summons people when spoken – and are as such a kind of spell.
There is a lot of truth in that you have power over someone if you know their name. How much power does your name hold over you? Is it possible to take control over the spelling of your name and thus change yourself? Or to shed that influence entirely by becoming nameless?
Names can be used as spells to inflict discomfort and pain. Mispronounced, distorted on purpose, or a name or epithet you find wrong or degrading. And you can literally destroy someone by using their deadname (name from before a gender transition).
The power of names can of course also be harnessed for benign purposes. By taking control of what you are called you can influence both how others and yourself perceive who you are. A magician could find many uses for magical aliases as they sets your mind and the minds of others in a certain, chosen state. A well constructed alias or epithet is similar to a mask changing your persona. You become different.
A way of intentionally causing change in yourself is if you very subtly but constantly refer to yourself as for example “The Author”. Everyone around you will come to adapt that eventually and you’ll be known in their minds as “The Author”. I call this effect “mirroring yourself” since you create a desired image of yourself in the minds of others and when they reflect this upon you it will reificate the change in yourself that you strive for.
So in essence: If we name something it is instantly changed, it’s made real or changed in some way. An alteration of reality. Names are a strong magical tool that can be used for creative and destructive purposes. Be careful how you name people.
The Languages of Magic
Why do the calls of the Aethyrs work better in Enochian?
Scientists believed for a long time that the Akkadians had invented a secret cipher to write about magic and religion since those texts were not written in the Akkadian language. Then they realized that it was written in the much older, and up until then unknown, Sumerian language. For some reason the older language had been preserved for ritual and magic purposes.
Many years later the Christian church used Latin in their bibles and masses for a long time even though the use of languages changed and ordinary people didn’t understand a word of it. Even now, long after it finally was translated, everyone still prefers the archaic language in the old bible translations over the later, more modern translations. And of course popular media still uses Latin to depict spells and magic. Sigils could maybe be seen as an extreme of this as it is writing that becomes unintelligible on purpose.
Much of the occult currents from the last centuries used the Hebrew letters language a basis for many magical systems, for instance Hermetic Kabbalah and Tarot, although none of the practitioners spoke it as first language, in fact it was near extinct until it was revived in the 19th century. Inherent in the Hebrew letters are the numbers used in Gematria and the endless mathematical computations, often very abstruse, are abundant in occult literature.
I write both fiction and these essays in English despite my native language being Swedish. Why? Well, the simple reason is that it sets my mind in another state. It forces me to think in another way and kind of elevates me into a heightened state of writing. More focused, somehow. Using a different language distances me from the feeling of the banal and mundane that my first language gives when I try to write about magic. It makes me into another writer than I am when writing in Swedish.
The same phenomena is found in music. Sweden has a lot of musicians that sing in English instead of Swedish. Not to get an international career, but just because they think it suits the music better singing in English. I also do this with my band. I tried to write Swedish lyrics with the same topics as usual, but then it felt like it was written for a different band and I eventually made it a solo-album.
Writing in different languages have inherent differences that makes you think in different ways. To the Germans the Sun is feminine and the Moon masculine. That affects what you think they symbolize and how you describe them in writing. There is an African language that don’t describe directions as left or right. They use south of, or north of, etc, for everything. That makes them subconsciously very aware of the orientation of directions at all times. And so on.
So, there are several parts to this: The language itself, how it makes you think and feel and a distancing from the ordinary may be some key elements to why we as humans appear to use older language for our magic, spells and our beliefs.
Chanting the calls of the Aethyrs in Enochian is a more effective way of putting yourself in the right state of mind to work your magic.
Oh, I’ve tried to fit in to many places, school, university, work, with acquaintances in a new city, etc. But it mostly makes me uncomfortable. So I’ve come to realize I don’t need to fit in. I got my odd friends here and there and once I relax and stop trying I seem to be accepted anyway. My co-workers, for instance, like me though I’m nothing like them. And maybe that’s the thing. Not to fit in, but to be accepted as different.
So this is how it begins. I looked out of my kitchen window this evening and saw the houses outside. Out of the blue I thought: “One day all of this will be ruins”. And then saw how it would look, quite clearly, in my imagination. Abandoned and torn by nature – all windows shattered, moss on the walls, trees and bushes growing up through the collapsed roofs. Like it was a long time after some kind of disaster. It felt funny at first, then quite eerie. Where did this come from, I wondered. Why did I suddenly precall the neighborhood after the fall? Why at this moment? What triggered this thought and image in my head? The imagined surroundings disappeared quite fast. But a feeling of calm and beauty lingered. I was not worried.
I got an eye inflation. I wrote that in my diary. Then I realized that is something that only happens to anime characters. Of course I got an eye inflammation instead. Typical.